T'was the day before the night before the day of the operation

So, the wait is almost over and tomorrow I have the biggest operation of my young life. To be fair it's only the second, but it's still quite big.

I keep getting asked the same question, 'How are you doing?'
'Fine', is the usual response. However what's in my head, as you might expect, is a little more complicated. Physically I feel as normal as I did before this whole adventure started, aside from a little extra weight. Mentally is more difficult to put into words.

I will admit there is an element of sheer terror about what's going to happen tomorrow. I could be left paralysed, not be able to talk, or I could die. But fear does not top the list. I've always thought that I would collapse under such pressure, not that I've ever given it much thought. But some kind of autopilot of determination has kicked in. Determination to beat this thing. And I don't want talk of being 'brave' or 'strong.' So far, it really hasn't been an effort. Whether this is blind hope and being unable to accept what's happening to me, or whether I'm just being very positive is difficult to say. Perhaps the two are the same.

I guess it all comes down to acceptance. It is was it is and there's nothing else so deal with it. I don't believe in God or fate. Things just happen and this has happened to me. I don't suppose you can 'make the best of' brain cancer, but it does shine a light on everything else. Like I've said before it's the little things that become important.

Now, everyone who reads this is going to die at some point. Don't worry the blog's not cursed or anything. It's just a fact of nature. Most of you will never be told by someone qualified to do so that it could be sooner rather than later. Is that better or worse? Who knows? But my point is it shouldn't really make any difference. I'm not going to tell to write that novel you've always wanted to, or climb Everest. I've known I've got cancer for a couple of weeks now, and some of that time has been spent in the company of Bargain Hunt and Homes Under the Hammer. What I have done is refocused on what is important. It's an interesting excersise, and I'm not going to tell you the results here, but it's one I recommend doing. So all you have to do is pretend you have a life threatening illness, it doesn't have to be a brain tumor, and get prioritising.

It some respects this is more difficult on everyone else. It may be happening to me, but I have no choice. Everyone else has to react and deal with whatever happens next. I've been overwhelmed with the amount of people asking how they can help. From cash to baby sitting Jack. I suppose it's the sense of helplessness that, unless you're a brain surgeon, there's little you can do. Thank you for all your offers. They mean more than the actual acts. You never really know how you've impacted on someone's life until something like this happens. It means a lot.

So that's basically what's going on in my head. I am terrified, but I'm happy to except whatever comes. Of course I'm saying that at a time when I'm fully able, and not in any pain or discomfort. That may change.

Just waiting for the call now as to when I go back into hospital. It should be sometime this afternoon or early evening. Technology and the operation permitting I should be in touch again tomorrow with another post.

Love you all

J