Yesterday, for the first time in over seven months, I went to work. I suppose the best way to describe it was unnerving. Seven months is a long time not to do something, and I wasn't sure I knew exactly if I could do it. This may sound ridiculous, but it was a concern. Everything from the computer systems to the phone systems to the studios, on first sight, felt alien. But then something miraculous happened. I just started to use them and instinct took over. If you'd have asked me how use the computer I would've stared at you blankly as a driblet of clear drool fell from my chin. Ask me to actually do it and, autopilot on, Johnny Five. When prompted I even remembered phone numbers. That's the technical side out of the way. Now for the aesthetics.
Believe it or not there is an art to writing news for radio. For those not in the 'biz' it is a skill, if I do say so myself, like essay writing, poetry or prose. At one point, seven months ago, I did, in my own opinion, think I could do it quite well. Since February the only things I've written are shopping lists and this blog. Art forms in themselves. So to sit down at a computer, with a blank screen in front on me, was a little daunting. I needn't have worried. Like the technology it all came back to me and, while it may not have been radio gold, it was acceptable. Confidence regained.
Through this whole process I did have to concentrate a little harder. The drugs were making things a little fuzzy. The day actually got easier as the steroid haze began to lift. It was through this process that I came to a revelation. What I do for a living is quite ridiculous. At best I take information that I think is important, process it and present it in a way that, hopefully, is interesting and easy to understand. At worst I re-write press releases in, hopefully, in an interesting and easy to understand way. I'm not saving lives. I'm not really helping anybody in any way. My whole career has little or no impact on anyone else's existence. What I do for a living is essentially worthless. And yet I love it.
The profession of 'journalist' comes with a certain status, good or bad. I do have a certain pride when asked what I do. My response is often met with at least a vague interest, whether it's genuine isn't really important. The fact that the respondent deems it necessary to at least appear interested demonstrates the esteem to which the profession is aligned. I realise this is a shallow reason, but if I'm honest it's near the top of the list of why I'm still doing it. Maybe I'm being a little too cynical. Very occasionally we do make a difference, even if it's just making someone smile.
Of course there are other reasons as well, that are more obvious, but I won't be going into any detail here. What I wanted to get across is that I won't be going off to save some endangered species in the Amazon. Frankly I'm too selfish. I'll be a journalist until I find something that is as or more impressive to people at the school reunion.
Homework for this week: What value to you put on your job? What impact does it have on others? It doesn't really matter. Just love what you do.
J
Wednesday, 21 July 2010
Friday, 16 July 2010
Clipped Wings
Having seen my oncologist yesterday there is both good and bad news. Having said that the good news is very good, and the bad news isn't that bad.
The Good News: There's nothing to worry about following my latest 'relapse.' The doctor's happy the seizure was the result of not being on enough drugs and coming off the steroids too soon. Either I had mild infection causing more swelling and/or the radiotherapy was still doing its stuff. If I have another seizure, say in a couple of months time, then I can start worrying. Now it's all about getting the anti-fitting medication right. My bloods were taken yesterday and will be tested for levels of Tegratol. Based on those levels the dosage will be adjusted accordingly. Then I can start coming off the steroids. Again.
The Bad News: I won't be getting behind the wheel of car this side of summer 2011. This is not because of my latest seizure but a case of misinformation. I was originally told I could drive six months after the operation, which would've been sometime in September. Now I'm told it's 12 months after treatment ends, which would be June/July next year. This does cause a few practical problems.
Now if you put the two in perspective one clearly outweighs the other, but it does clearly demonstrate a continuing theme. While the treatment may be first class, the administering of it isn't. I've already spoken about the unnecessary MIR scans, the wrong dosage of drugs and now this. Yesterday I was angry. Today I've got some perspective. So if you see me thumbing for a lift please stop. I may be bald with a big scar down my head, but I'm not a serial killer. Honest.
I shall stand down from my soap box now, thank the doctors who saved my life, and stop whinging about when they get a bit a paperwork wrong.
J
The Good News: There's nothing to worry about following my latest 'relapse.' The doctor's happy the seizure was the result of not being on enough drugs and coming off the steroids too soon. Either I had mild infection causing more swelling and/or the radiotherapy was still doing its stuff. If I have another seizure, say in a couple of months time, then I can start worrying. Now it's all about getting the anti-fitting medication right. My bloods were taken yesterday and will be tested for levels of Tegratol. Based on those levels the dosage will be adjusted accordingly. Then I can start coming off the steroids. Again.
The Bad News: I won't be getting behind the wheel of car this side of summer 2011. This is not because of my latest seizure but a case of misinformation. I was originally told I could drive six months after the operation, which would've been sometime in September. Now I'm told it's 12 months after treatment ends, which would be June/July next year. This does cause a few practical problems.
Now if you put the two in perspective one clearly outweighs the other, but it does clearly demonstrate a continuing theme. While the treatment may be first class, the administering of it isn't. I've already spoken about the unnecessary MIR scans, the wrong dosage of drugs and now this. Yesterday I was angry. Today I've got some perspective. So if you see me thumbing for a lift please stop. I may be bald with a big scar down my head, but I'm not a serial killer. Honest.
I shall stand down from my soap box now, thank the doctors who saved my life, and stop whinging about when they get a bit a paperwork wrong.
J
Monday, 12 July 2010
Stalled
My return to glory has been delayed once again. But only by another week. Following my seizure last week, and the revelation I wasn't on enough drugs, they've now put me back on steroids. After a week of adjusting to the new dose of anti-fitting drug I found there was still a vague, tiny, minute weakness, a kind of fuzziness down my right hand side. This implied one of two things: either I came off the steroids to soon and radiotherapy was still doing its stuff, or I had some kind of infection.
So on Saturday I went back to hospital, just to get checked out, before they put me back what I believe they refer to on the street as the 'roids.' Actually I just made that up as something to pass the time. For that's all I can do for the next week. The doctor suggested I stay off work for a few days more just for the drugs resettle in.
And so that's the latest. I'll be seeing the oncologist on Thursday. I'll let you know how I get on. And then I'll be returning to work next week. Hopefully.
J
So on Saturday I went back to hospital, just to get checked out, before they put me back what I believe they refer to on the street as the 'roids.' Actually I just made that up as something to pass the time. For that's all I can do for the next week. The doctor suggested I stay off work for a few days more just for the drugs resettle in.
And so that's the latest. I'll be seeing the oncologist on Thursday. I'll let you know how I get on. And then I'll be returning to work next week. Hopefully.
J
Tuesday, 6 July 2010
Blog: Additional
I am home now, and it appears I wasn't on enough drugs. Yesterday's episode may have been the culmination on a number of things, the top of the tree being the prescribed medication should have been doubled from the operation. That, with the booze and virus, was what led to me having another fit.
It took them another 24 hours and a handful of doctors, many I hadn't seen before, to find the cause but at least they found it now. They'll be more on this later in coming days.
Just to let you all know I'm well and happy until I return work next week.
J
It took them another 24 hours and a handful of doctors, many I hadn't seen before, to find the cause but at least they found it now. They'll be more on this later in coming days.
Just to let you all know I'm well and happy until I return work next week.
J
It all seemed to be going well
I think I can quite honestly use the word fuck. I should be writing to you now from my place of work, quipping about being back. Instead I'm sending it from the hospital that some of you will remember from my previous messages. Yesterday I had another fit.
Now don't panic. This isn't going to be like the time before. The tumor has been removed. And that's part of the problem. If there's no tumor there, so what's putting on the pressure?
Three things have changed over the last week: I came off the steroids; I started drinking a little whine; I came out in a rash. Now I'm not gonna speculate on the steroids, but I will on the other two. Let's first put a 'little whine' into context. One glass a day of half red whine half water for the three nights in a row. The following day, after my first glass, I developed a rash. I assumed this was to do with getting too much sun, but could it an allergic reaction to the booze? So now I'm just waiting for answers and another scan.
This could be a problem for driving. If I don't know what's causing the seizures, I don't know when they're going to come. And if the DVLA don't know either then it's anyone's guess as to when I'll get my license back. I don't suppose I would let me get behind a wheel at the moment.
So what happens when you have a fit? In my case it starts in my right foot with small twitch. Then spreads up the leg until you arms are flailing about for thirty seconds. And then everything stops. I started coming back round about an hour later, but wasn't fully conscious for another couple. During that period I knew what was happening and where I was, but I just wanted to sleep. I dozed through about an hour of Murder She Wrote before I called Anisa.
Here I am in hospital, waiting for a scan before I can go home.
Will update you with what I know when I know it.
J
Now don't panic. This isn't going to be like the time before. The tumor has been removed. And that's part of the problem. If there's no tumor there, so what's putting on the pressure?
Three things have changed over the last week: I came off the steroids; I started drinking a little whine; I came out in a rash. Now I'm not gonna speculate on the steroids, but I will on the other two. Let's first put a 'little whine' into context. One glass a day of half red whine half water for the three nights in a row. The following day, after my first glass, I developed a rash. I assumed this was to do with getting too much sun, but could it an allergic reaction to the booze? So now I'm just waiting for answers and another scan.
This could be a problem for driving. If I don't know what's causing the seizures, I don't know when they're going to come. And if the DVLA don't know either then it's anyone's guess as to when I'll get my license back. I don't suppose I would let me get behind a wheel at the moment.
So what happens when you have a fit? In my case it starts in my right foot with small twitch. Then spreads up the leg until you arms are flailing about for thirty seconds. And then everything stops. I started coming back round about an hour later, but wasn't fully conscious for another couple. During that period I knew what was happening and where I was, but I just wanted to sleep. I dozed through about an hour of Murder She Wrote before I called Anisa.
Here I am in hospital, waiting for a scan before I can go home.
Will update you with what I know when I know it.
J
Thursday, 1 July 2010
Another tentative baby-step toward normality
My, it has been a while, but then little has been happening brain tumor-wise since last we spoke. If you miss these little chats, my 'wisdom' is available in bite size chunks on Twitter. Come follow me: twitter.com/mrjwall
I've been to Bradford to see friends and relatives to thank them for their support and well wishing in person. It's a bit like Facebook but in 3D. There are others, I know, but I'll get around to you all eventually. And if I don't, feel free to shout at me or disown me.
Today is my first full day of being steroid free. I'm not sure if you can have a single steroid or it's simply just steroids. Is there a doctor or pharmacist in the house? Anyways, I've been reducing them by 500 micrograms every five days since the radiotherapy ended, and yesterday I took my last Dexamethazone. I've also stopped taking the Omeprozole as well. That was protecting my stomach from the steroids. So far so good. No headaches. I have been a little tired, but that's probably more to do with the shopping trip to tropical Leicester and the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet lunch.
Which brings me to my next subject. Removing the steroids from my system also removes my excuse for not losing any weight. It's true I have been blaming the drugs for being a little tubby when in fact it's probably more to do with eating too much of the wrong thing and not getting any exercise. I hear-by pledge to get into shape. What shape I'm not quite sure yet, but as long as I'm a little lighter, I'm not bothered. I think I'll try some swimming first. I'll let you know how I get on, but if you catch me eating cake smack it of hand and say, "For the love of god man. Have you no shame?"
There's no sign of the hair growing back. Yet. I am becoming an expert in shaving my head. I could almost do it blindfolded if it weren't for the blindfold getting in the way. As it is it's mostly around the back of my head and have to go by touch. Please don't check to see if I've missed a bit. There's a good chance I'll doing it again the following day anyway. Fingers crossed it'll grow back soon, although I am getting used to the new look.
Tune in next week when I return to the wonderful world of work. It's my bit to help reduce the budget deficit.
J
I've been to Bradford to see friends and relatives to thank them for their support and well wishing in person. It's a bit like Facebook but in 3D. There are others, I know, but I'll get around to you all eventually. And if I don't, feel free to shout at me or disown me.
Today is my first full day of being steroid free. I'm not sure if you can have a single steroid or it's simply just steroids. Is there a doctor or pharmacist in the house? Anyways, I've been reducing them by 500 micrograms every five days since the radiotherapy ended, and yesterday I took my last Dexamethazone. I've also stopped taking the Omeprozole as well. That was protecting my stomach from the steroids. So far so good. No headaches. I have been a little tired, but that's probably more to do with the shopping trip to tropical Leicester and the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet lunch.
Which brings me to my next subject. Removing the steroids from my system also removes my excuse for not losing any weight. It's true I have been blaming the drugs for being a little tubby when in fact it's probably more to do with eating too much of the wrong thing and not getting any exercise. I hear-by pledge to get into shape. What shape I'm not quite sure yet, but as long as I'm a little lighter, I'm not bothered. I think I'll try some swimming first. I'll let you know how I get on, but if you catch me eating cake smack it of hand and say, "For the love of god man. Have you no shame?"
There's no sign of the hair growing back. Yet. I am becoming an expert in shaving my head. I could almost do it blindfolded if it weren't for the blindfold getting in the way. As it is it's mostly around the back of my head and have to go by touch. Please don't check to see if I've missed a bit. There's a good chance I'll doing it again the following day anyway. Fingers crossed it'll grow back soon, although I am getting used to the new look.
Tune in next week when I return to the wonderful world of work. It's my bit to help reduce the budget deficit.
J
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